february 23rd, 2019

today fucking sucks. i'm so alone.

i don't even know what to do, if i'm being honest. i mean this world is just so fucking miserable. i just want to be happy somehow. it's just so frustrating. i can't even do much now cause i'm so useless. i just wish i could disappear.

there's a friend i've been talking to a lot recently online. she's so nice...she's been helping me a lot, especially in my more depressive spirals. however, i haven't talked to her today cause it's just been so horrible...

maybe i should talk to her. maybe it'll make my day better.

welcome to the digital realm chatroom!

currently talking to: *******

"hello...are you there..?"


i hope she is...

please...


*******: hey..




!

lavender: haiii!! :3




i met her a few months ago. i thought she was a bit strange at first, but she's grown on me recently, especially since she's shown that there's more to it.
she's so sweet. genuinely. i like her a lot.

*******: how are you...
lavender: today is terrible,,,i don't know why ;w;
*******: oh...sorry to hear that...
lavender: yea. i don't even know what happened before that caused this...it's just.. ;;
*******: mhm, i get that *cuddles you*








she's definitely an eccentric person, that's for sure. the fact that she acts like this does warm me up though. it's just...i don't know how to describe it. i love her so much.

*******: i hope everything gets better...
lavender: me too..
*******: sweetie...
lavender: hm? is there something on your mind..
*******: i feel like you've changed a bit since we started talking
lavender: in what way..?
*******: you just..
*******: it just feels like you're happier when you're with me.. i know it isn't a good day for you but for the past few weeks it seems like you're doing better. it makes me happy to see that...












aaaaaa....she's right but...it's kinda embarrassing to think about...

looking at our older chats makes me feel a lot better. it cheers me up a bit but awawa...the fact she brought it up...

february 1st, 2019
lavender: hihihihihihi!! >w<
*******: hey sweetie
lavender: h-huh!?
*******: what's up...
lavender: nothing...i just.. o///o
*******: ehehe...
lavender: aaaa...you're so mean..
*******: not my fault
lavender: i know but...it's just embarrassing to be called that.. ><
*******: sorry...i just like calling you that and you don't seem like you're against it
lavender: i'm not...but..i dunno...
*******: i get it
*******: you really are sweet though, you know?
lavender: i...thanks...you too..


















everytime i talk to her it's like my spirits are being lifted. i just...i wish i was with her sometimes.

i feel a bit better now...but...i'm not sure really. something just still feels wrong i guess.

today
lavender: thank you...i dunno why i've just felt this way today. i just feel so useless today and...i dunno..
*******: no i get that. is there anything just overwhelming you?
lavender: just...all of life really. nothing's been going well, and i'm trying to keep my head up but...
*******: yea. sometimes it's just like that..it really sucks. i wish i could help you more, but i'm not sure how...i just hope that things will be better
*******: i've had a lot put on me as well...a lot of work, a lot of stress, too little time to do what i wish. but you're here atleast. all of my friends are...
*******: if i'm being honest, i want to disappear too but...i don't want to leave you. i don't want to leave anyone. that's all i can really say
lavender: i... ;;
lavender: i don't know what to say...i just...thanks..
lavender: i love you...i really do..and i don't want to die, but...it's so hard sometimes..thanks for everything...
*******: i get it. we will always have each other, i promise. i love you too, sweetie..














i...i really hope things get better. they have to. i'm really grateful for her.

she's right...i don't want to leave my friends, especially her...everything's been bearable just because of her.

it's late now, but the days gotten better at least...i just hope it stays that way for a while.

i hope things get better for her too...i really do