these are not really fleshed out. i just thought they were cool.
you are going through my head. you know when someone wanted to know what goes through my head at any moment? here.
it feels weird that i don't feel like a total wreck but instead just incredibly sleepy. just...so incredibly sleepy. on that note though, i've been having that itch to go through some relatively unknown stuff. shoutout to the yuri game jam on itchio, which is something i faintly remembered and decided to look up. i found some pretty cool art there. i hope more people are willing to dive into whatever subcultures or relatively obscure things they feel like exploring.
planetary yuri (1:59am, i woke up at like 10pm yesterday...)
they are not ready for the Yuri Revolution to happen in texas. they are just not. on an unrelated note: yuri about the...god damnit what hasn't been touched on. yuri about designing socks. yuri about the gardens...wait hold on. urban planning yuri. ecological yuri. (2:44am)
at some point, i'll be able to be more vulnerable than i ever was. i'll be able to let you know just how much everything means to me. the art, the flowers, the world, and you. (around 2pm or so)
that one quote from deleuze about how repressive forces are not stopping you from expression, but are forcing it onto you is still playing in my mind. god damn. (i decided to link the book it's from, negotiations, here. it's on page 129.) (10:52pm)
god this week has been so painful. hopefully things will be better soon ;;
i think that there's this weird tension going on between how i want to write and how i have to write when i submit actual stuff for my uni classes. it feels weird going to mla style again especially since i'm so used to typing in all lowercase. maybe i just don't like the academic writing style, too limiting.
been fascinated by "the life instinct" idea that was created by mierle laderman ukeles in her manifesto for maintenance art 1969. it's such a good concept.
i hope that one of these days i'll see the flowers bloom. in some desire to see the world be a little kinder. it's just...fuck. sometimes it's depressing. but i have to keep going—i will keep going. just for those who weren't able to.
i guess it's my birthday now. im just kinda...surprised about how i lasted this long. god it's just. so much has happened this year and i guess im not sure how to deal with it. there's so much art that i've engaged with, things that i've done, and just i've changed so much compared to the years before. i...just...idk. i hope i can continue to be who i am, to continue intertwining myself with the things that i hold close to my heart, to continue being with you. i love you all, really. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) (9:21am)
there's this college course i want to take called digital worlds. from what it seems, it looks like it'll be a class relating to the internet and how it affects the world around us and how we think of it, which is something that i've taken particular interest in for a while.
on a completely unrelated note, i read two stories in the past few days: side-by-side dreamers and belladonna's lover. the two are yuri and really good, but they're both completely different. side-by-side dreamers is a pov-switching light novel that focuses on sleep and the blurring of two realities, and it's a pretty strange story overall that i don't really have the proper thoughts for yet; however, belladonna's lover is a generally simpler story about having things decided for you, the ramifications of such, and breaking away what's decided for you and taking your life in your hands. they're both great. (5:26pm)
i have to continue making more things. i want to, actually. at the same time, i'm just so easily tired. time to go to bed soon probably. i'll continue to work on what i've been working on when i've rested anyway. i guess i just need more rest. so much more rest. it'll still be there, and i'll still work on it like i always have. love you all. ♡ (12:39am)
maybe god is just the idealized version of us. probably. (1:07pm)
recently, i've been having a lot of thoughts about ethereality and being not real and any potential connection to dysphoria and/or trauma. i've had a fascination with nonreality for years and have felt like i'm not real for some time. maybe there's some connection to religion as well since i come from a religious family. maybe one day i'll get to write about it. (6:51pm)
art is in not in stasis once it's done. (10:33am)
i found this song called cloudsurf today. it's a really cool song by yuigot and iyowa. it's also rly obscure. it made me think about how i always sought out really weird and unknown stuff cause i felt like i am attached to those things the most.
going through substack and searching things i'm interested in is like the current day version of going through random rly obscure artists on soundcloud and their likes and following in 2021-2022. i rly enjoy it though. (4:55pm)
i sometimes miss home a lot. not like the actual place that i'd call my home, but like some sense of it. some part of that feeling is missing. (1:14am)
i need to create some kind of like live performance show of some kind at some point. i think my mannerisms can lead well into that. (8:22pm)
i've been thinking about sakura trick a lot lately. i think i have ideas on how i want to talk about it, but i also want this to be the last time i truly ever talk about it or think about it for more than an hour. i hope i can write it all down soon. (10:42pm)
workload is lower, especially since this paper is almost done. thank god. i wanna see more flowers today. maybe read some stuff... (11:09am)
hopefully i have more time to work on this now >~<
thinking about how ive become so obsessed with yuri as well. the ways in which it influenced me is so god damn insane. i really want to write about that one day. (12:12pm)
god i want to fish today. why am i even obsessed with fish. the world of meaning and the real world are the same. don't fool yourself. (11:12pm)
did the professor for my philosophy and film class also have to give me only one week to both watch and make a paper on a movie? i mean i could do that but i feel like it'd end up being really bad. oh well. (11:27pm)
being alone made me sharpen all my analytical tools and skills all on my own and made me rely on myself but the problem is that i don't know when to let go and have other people talk. like i know other people's thoughts and observations and analysis are good and they affect how i think and they all give me more knowledge and more to think about but i feel like i cant say anything unless i have all my thoughts refined. it fucking sucks. (12:05am)
i love you all. i wanna talk more with you all. (11:47pm)
i want flowers. i love them and i also like yuri. it's also 2am. i should sleep soon...eh. not like i care. i sometimes think about flowers a lot. sunflowers especially. i wish i could have a garden. or a flower bed thatd be cool. but it would be cooler if it was situated in like a weird surrealist world.
i also forget that people have corporeal forms, including myself. i mean i guess that's a consequence of being really online for 5-6 years.
i wanna start fishing. like i've been mentioning fish and fishing for a lot of my bits recently. maybe i should actually start fishing one of these days. i think it'd be cool. (11:11am)
it started raining again. it reminds me of something. i don't know if it's a song or a page or another piece of art. but it reminds me of something serene. the rain covers a bit of the world. things get harder to see. it feels peaceful, somehow, despite that. (3:27pm)
God is forever. she too is yuri. god is only an idealized version of yourself. you yourself are the yuri. the world will become yuri too.
i love making stuff like this. it helps show more of my personality and my being.
my ideological underpinnings are yuri. its actually that simple. i believe in the things that cause the most yuri moments. increased housing and decreasing car centralization can lead to more yuri. making the internet more fragmented and having more personal spaces and sites and having more genuine groups of people gather together without many layers of irony can lead to longer lasting and more fruitful yuri moments. the destruction of the patriarchy and the structures of gender and sex leaves yuri more open. the end of capitalism and the establishment of any variety of systems that will lead to a better world—socialism, communism, anarchism, etc.—can and will proliferate more yuri moments.