these are not really fleshed out. i just thought they were cool.
you are going through my head. you know when someone wanted to know what goes through my head at any moment? here.
i've been obsessed with overgrown buildings lately. it feels like an extension of my fondness towards ruins, but overgrown buildings in specific make me think about excess in some way. i am not sure what is being the excess here, but i'll say the building for now. it's as if the mark of the building is felt, but not truly...i'm not sure how to describe it, but it's not sensed it seems. even when the green runs amok, the building is just what it lands onto, and i find that very alluring in some way. people say that we are "disconnected from nature," but i believe that to be false. there is no disconnection, really. only a denial. (5:06pm)
solidified in my belief that the family may be one of the worst institutions on this earth. (10:50pm)
feeling myself become more of the angel that struck me down all those years ago, the angel that started the transition process. (2:56pm)
idk maybe i do want attention but like it's a specific kind and maybe i just like confessing and stuff IDK, i've just been thinking about confession for a bit. (7:11pm)
a reminder: yuri is the thing that underpins all my thinking (8:41am)
i would be lying if i said that things haven't looked this bleak for me since 2023. (10:30pm)
i keep having weird moments where like. the whole world becomes scrambled and idk what to do about it cause it's really fucked up. maybe i should check up on that. (11:34am)
reread shimeji simulation. i wish i could make the world a little less lonely for myself...maybe one at a time. (10:32pm)
yuri about a tragic drama. not like, they're in a tragic drama but it's about that (and perhaps their storyline becomes like that). and they try to break away from inevitable decline. i think it'd be cool. in any case, i think these classes are fucking me up maybe i shouldn't be taking 4 like . upper level undergrad classes at once. (8:08am)
as for why they're called yuri vignettes, i think it's cause it makes me think that i usually have to write only a short amount for the story. it's mostly a way of trying to experiment with certain styles.
i need to turn my ambivalence into an offensive capability. i actually cannot handle things the way i currently am rn. (12:15pm)
how do i like. not get turbofucked sleep cause i swear my sleep has been getting so weird now i dunno why. (11:26pm)
I FUCKED UP MY INDEX UHHHHHHH OOPS I THINK WE'RE FINE NOW (9:25pm)
god i love "zato: i love the world and everything in it" so much
gillian rose's "mourning becomes the law" is really good but i've been thinking about the phrase "the representation of fascism and the fascism of representation" lately. it's a strange phrase, pointing to how the ways we represent fascism is an important task because of the consequence of depicting it wrongly: reinforcing it. this isn't done by romanticization usually, but rather depicting the regime as something of pure evil and indescribable and thus being unable to say anything about it. all we are meant to do is to pray and be pious...holocaust piety. this kind of thing has been getting at me recently.
one of the more interesting provocations that i've seen in luce irigaray's marine lover is that femininity is a tool of the patriarchy and i feel like. i get what she means in that femininity is the "replica of the woman" but it kinda falls apart now i think today mainly cause gender/sex are seen as separate things. it'd be more accurate now to say that the Female (that is, the Woman as a fixed form that is opposed to the Male, in contrast to actual women. in short, the "cis (the white and straight and able-bodied and bourgeois and other things are implied too) woman." this phrasing is horrible, i will just say the Fixed Woman from now on) is the tool of the patriarchy...i think. i think it gets closer to what the point is imo. cause it's like for her it seems, women (in the sense of the actual woman, who is not inherently anything) tend to always be elsewhere even when they mimic whatever is proposed/imposed on them. but the Fixed Woman is something that is part of the patriarchy (using this term generically, the question of what the patriarchy may be is more complicated) because it is part of the structure that upholds the Family and specifically its nuclear version. this is needed because then the Fixed Woman can be reduced as only part of the heterosexual reproductive unit of the family that seeks to maintain bullshit like "bloodlines" and more generally property which is put upon the child (and also the worker) as both a measuring stick and a baton so that they (though more often, he) will become the person who inherits private property. so what we have done is that the sea of women is frozen over with the ice of the Fixed Woman because of how these things like cisheteropatriarchy and white supremacy and capitalism and stuff desire death. they desire their own deaths, sure, but especially those who fall out of the Fixed Woman (racialized, trans, queer, disabled, indigenous, etc.). even if this all comes to ruin, it'll be fine because everything else will be destroyed first. there are also some colonial aspects to the Fixed Woman and the family but frankly i am not sure how they map out, so i'll leave it at that. (6:35pm)
edit (6:44pm): buh...but idk much psychoanalysis so...
been thinking about mai amai from 'my devilishly sweet girlfriend' lately. can't be put under a seduction spell but also has the purest distillation of lesbian yearning and erotic desire. there are no secrets to be revealed, no pretense of depth even. one could even say that nothing is happening...and well, you'd be right. however, why need spells when she is always looking outward, being part of the tasting. being tasted and tasting. why do you need to veil yourself when you're already in the water?
i've been getting sleepier lately, dunno what to do... (9:58am)